My Story of Miscarriage After Having Three Kids
Note: This post may bring on strong feelings and may be TMI for some. I just wish there was something out there like this when I was searching for answers, which is why I wrote it.
Have you or someone you know experienced a pregnancy loss? You know how it feels: one moment you’re on top of the world, and the next your world comes crashing down. It can take a while to heal from such an experience, if there is any complete healing at all.
I wasn’t sure I was going to write this, but I feel like it’s part of my healing process and I was meant to share my story. I believe that things happen for a reason, and perhaps my reason is to hopefully reach out to others who may be going through something similar.
Miscarriage can be a scary topic and isn’t often talked about, but since 1 out of 4 pregnancies can result in miscarriage, I feel that perhaps we should talk more about it, about what might happen and how it feels to experience one. It may not be your cup of tea; I get it. It may stir up some feelings; I totally get that too. This isn’t easy.
So here goes nothing: I had a miscarriage after having three kids.
I’m going to start back at the beginning. Back in July 2014, I was late with my cycle, which was weird to me because I was taking the pill and was taking it on schedule every day. At that time, I thought we were done having kids, as our third baby was just over a year old and we were pretty sure he was going to be the last baby. In fact, we had donated or sold almost all of our baby gear!
But there I was, not one day or a few days late, but 10 days. That’s a long time to be late when you’re on the pill.
It kinda hit me pretty hard that we might have another baby when we thought we were done. A possible pregnancy wasn’t planned at all, and I was scared.
But then Aunt Flow showed up, fashionably late without any excuses. My cycle resumed its course.
The experience had me thinking though: what if? What if it was meant to be? What if it was a sign that maybe it should be?
I realized then that I did want another baby. I did want to at least try.
After discussing it with my husband, we both agreed to try. We were going to try in the Fall so that the possible due date would be somewhere in the summer, when he’d be off from work. That gave us about three months to see what would happen.
Month #1= nothing. Month #2= nothing.
Month #3 came, and I felt weird. Weird like breakfast made me feel sick. I felt nauseous if I didn’t eat. Sleeping became uncomfortable.
I was pregnant.
I got my first BFP (big fat positive) in early November. With my other three pregnancies, I called the doctor right away to set up an appointment, but for some reason I hesitated this time. I waited a week and three more BFPs to make the call.
My first appointment was going to be the day after Thanksgiving. I was thrilled, and started making announcement plans.
If you know me, you know that my announcement plans are anything but simple. I love giving other people surprises and making them guess, and to do so, it takes elaborate plans. I like making it fun instead of just coming out and saying, “Hey, we’re having a baby!”. Don’t you just love fun announcements?
We were going to announce to the immediate families the night after my appointment. I couldn’t wait! Everyone else was going to find out around Christmas with my carefully crafted Christmas card that would have hints all over it about a fourth baby.
We were nervous, but excited. A fourth baby! Everyone was going to be super surprised. I mean, sure, they were going to question our sanity and our decision, but a baby is a blessing. I loved having my four other siblings (I’m the oldest of five), my husband has younger siblings, and I knew my kids would love having a new brother or sister.
Dex, my youngest little guy, knew of the baby. I would talk to him about the baby since he wouldn’t be able to spill the beans to anyone with his limited 20 month old vocabulary, but even though he couldn’t verbalize his excitement, his smile said it all. He was going to be a big brother!
Signs of Miscarriage
This is the part I hate. This is the part where it all fell apart.
The day after I called to make my first appointment, I started to spot lightly. At first, it didn’t bother me since I experienced bleeding with my second pregnancy and she was just fine (and now four years old!), but something was wrong.
The nausea was gone. The sleeping issues were gone. Other symptoms were vanishing.
What do you do when something is wrong? Google it, of course! How many times have you Googled symptoms?
As many people do, I went right to Google to see what the spotting and loss of symptoms could be. I’m sure you know, if you have done a similar search, how terrible, how low, how disheartened you feel after seeing what the possibilities could be, yet how hopeful you become after reading encouraging stories. There’s not much out there regarding miscarriage after having three kids, but all other kinds of stories are out there.
It’s a roller coaster of emotions: ups and downs, twists and turns, before you come to a complete stop.
I was praying it was nothing. I was praying that it was all just the fact that I already had three healthy pregnancies that my body was so used to them and shut off all of the annoying symptoms so I could take care of the kids.
I waited it out. The spotting was just light, and never got any worse. There was no pain. Everything I read about miscarriage told me that it was most often a painful, bloody ordeal, but that wasn’t happening to me.
About a week later, I took another pregnancy test. It was still a BFP. Two solid, clearly there, lines stared back at me, but this time, I wasn’t sure I trusted them.
I called the doctor. His staff told me to come in that day.
I’ll spare you all of the details, but the blood tests and ultrasounds revealed what I had been dreading: miscarriage. At just 6 weeks, I was losing my pregnancy and there was nothing I could do.
My doctor, a very no-nonsense man who is excellent at his job, was actually very sympathetic. He spoke in gentle tones, explaining what was happening and that since it was my fourth pregnancy, it was just my 1 in 4 that didn’t end right.
Unfortunately, it didn’t just end. You don’t just wake up one day and magically it’s all over.
Instead of my numbers dropping as they should have been, they were increasing. Every time I went for bloodwork (about 4 times total), my HCG was going up and up, but my progesterone was low. I was still pregnant, in some way, but they didn’t know where the pregnancy was. The doctor feared that it was an etopic pregnancy, for which I’d either need to take cancer medication or have surgery. The scary part was they didn’t know for sure. They couldn’t see anything on an ultrasound, nothing was there to indicate either way.
Scary doesn’t even cover this. I mean, an etopic pregnancy is dangerous. It is life threatening for both mom and baby. And don’t get me started on the Googling I did then.
I was scheduled for a D & E to clear things out and to see if my numbers would drop. It wasn’t something I had hoped for, since I would have wanted a natural way, but it was for my health and well-being that the procedure needed to be done.
Thankfully, my numbers did drop. After about a month, it was finally on its way to an end.
Feelings After Miscarriage
Yes, it was an early loss. There was never a ‘baby’ there, but at some point, two cells joined and tried to create a baby. The tiny ball of cells did implant, but just couldn’t grow.
That, my friends, made me sad.
I cried a lot. I cried because of the loss. I cried because I felt left down after making so many future plans. I cried because I felt guilty for crying when I had already been so blessed. I cried when I tried to talk about it. I cried when someone mentioned it to me.
And for those reasons, I didn’t tell very many people until it was absolutely necessary.
Was I wrong to feel so low? Was I wrong to cry when I had already had three healthy kids? I don’t think so. It’s still a loss, right? The baby that could have been was still very wanted. I may not be able to truly know what it is like to have a first pregnancy miscarriage or multiple miscarriages, but I do know what it is to lose someone who, while so tiny, you love so much.
I tried to eat away all of these feelings. Eating comforted me, but only temporarily. Turns out eating away feelings does not help you face your feelings; it just makes you gain weight and feel even worse. I don’t recommend it…
Talking about it, after a while, actually helped. After the procedure, I was able to talk about it all without crying. I spoke with family and friends. I spoke with others who went through similar situations. Knowing I wasn’t alone even in my close circles was good for me to know.
Moving On After Miscarriage
I don’t know if you ever move on after a miscarriage. Right now, I think about it a lot. I even dream about it.
But in a way I guess I have moved on to a new chapter in life. I mean, here I am writing about it, to move on even further…
A friend asked me recently if I felt bad when other people talked about being pregnant or if I felt bad seeing other pregnant women. Sure, I feel a twinge of jealousy, wishing I too was still expecting a baby, but no, I don’t feel bad. Not in the slightest. I love talking about babies and pregnancy. It’s a weird thing about me, I guess, but I always have, and always will, no matter what happens to me. I’ll still feel happy for others.
For a little while, I did fear the dreaded question when people see my little guy, who’s going to be two soon: ever think you’ll have another baby? I was afraid I would just start sobbing uncontrollably, but it never happened. My typical response started as “Well, sometimes, but we’ll see”, but I was totally lying and hated being a liar for it. Truth is, I think about the baby I could have had and any possibility of another baby ALL THE TIME.
The truth can set you free, and admitting out loud what happened was a much needed release for me. It happened, and now here I am. I began responding with, “Unfortunately, I recently had a loss, but we’re going to try again.”
Yes, it does take some people by surprise, but it happened. It was real, and what may happen in the future is a hope.
Now is just a waiting game. Since we’re going to try again, we were told to wait at least one ‘real’ cycle to try. It can be so hard to be told to wait, but it is for the best so my body can return to a healthy state.
(But wow, Google waiting to conceive after a miscarriage… So many different ideas and opinions about how and when!)
My doctor said since I am otherwise healthy, getting pregnant again shouldn’t be an issue. And as I have seen in many online forums, so many other women experiencing miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies, so there is much hope.
So here I am. I have a new perspective on things, that’s for sure. And if you’re going through something similar or have in the past, know that you too will experience a new perspective. It may not be a happy one for me all of the time, but it definitely feels more like an appreciative one.
If you know me in person, just know that I am doing fine. Know that I am okay. Know that I know that God’s in control, and that things just happen for a reason. Someday, maybe I’ll know that reason, but for now, I’m okay.
Need to Talk?
If you or someone you know has had a miscarriage and need someone to talk to, I’m here. I’ll listen. Leave me a comment below, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or message me on my Facebook page with any questions.