Bittersweet Moments at the End of My Last Pregnancy
The end of any pregnancy can be bittersweet. You realize that in the last few weeks that it might be the last time you feel the kicks and jabs of the baby inside you. You realize that your life is about to change in a really, really big way. You realize that while you’re excited to finally be done with pregnancy ailments, that it was those ailments that helped keep your pregnancy going and helped your body transition into motherhood.
But this is my last pregnancy. I’m feeling these moments a bit more these days.
Right now, I’m 37 weeks 6 days. By this time with my second and third babies, I had already delivered. I was done, and super glad to be done. I’d be super glad to be done now, except that it seems that this baby wants to stay longer, growing bigger and stronger every day.
It’s all bittersweet. We decided that this baby was our last, the last of four children we’d bring into the world, since my body may not handle another pregnancy with similar complications that I had this time.
It’s becoming real to me, as if an era in my life is ending and a new one will begin soon.
A lot of ‘never agains’ have entered my mind.
I will never again know the anxiety of the dreaded two-week-wait to see if yet another baby was in my womb.
I will never again feel the excitement of keeping a new pregnancy a surprise until we were ready to announce to the world.
I will never again feel the nervousness, the trepidation, of wondering if the pregnancy is healthy.
I will never again get to see those first jellybean images of a new life just forming inside of me.
I will never again have to decide if the bubbles inside are little baby kicks or the result of the digestive process.
I will never again see my abdomen swell as the life inside me changes my body into a home.
I will never again have to agonize over choosing the right name for a child.
I will never again have the fear that something terrible has gone wrong.
I will never again have the wonderment that comes from discovering all is right.
I will never again know the joy of passing into each trimester as if crossing a finish line.
I will never again see my abdomen stretch and recede as a baby practices movement inside me.
I will never again be given the chance to discover boy or girl, or have the option to be totally surprised.
I will never again feel the hiccups of new lungs getting ready to breathe.
I will never again carry the weight needed to sustain more than my life.
I will never again grunt and groan when completing the simplest tasks.
I will never again know the frustration of false labor.
I will never again receive the comments, the stares, the questions of curious minds.
I will never again have to worry about the wayward strange hand rubbing my belly uninvited.
I will never again wonder if the baby is head up, head down, or transverse.
I will never again have to time contractions, wondering if I’m even doing it right.
I will never again need to worry of when to call the doctor.
I will never again feel the squeeze of my womb, ready to let the baby out.
I will never again have the ride to the hospital, thrilled to finally meet my new child.
I will never again need surgery to bring my child to light.
I will never again have the awe that fills me when I see or hear my baby for the very first time.
I will never again experience those first few moments alone with my newborn.
I will never again feel proud to introduce the baby to his or her older siblings.
I will never have a baby again.
The End of My Last Pregnancy is Here
Here I am, awaiting the beginning of the end. I am very, very aware of all of the ‘never agains’ I have listed, and I am taking time to reflect on each one. I am trying my hardest to record in the memory of my mind every movement the baby makes inside. I am trying to record all of the feelings I am experiencing, the ups and the downs.
It’s real, very real. On one hand, I am frustrated that I’m still not in labor, as I thought I would be by now. On the other, every day is an extended blessing, giving me more time to relish the end of this era.
Soon I will be ushered into my new era, a new me, a new way of life. When that time will be, only Heaven knows, but I feel it is very soon.
But I’ll be ready. It’ll be a new adventure for me, as I’m sure it was for the many women before me who have experienced the same.
Thank you for following me on my last pregnancy journey. Thank you for reading my pregnancy stories, and sharing yours with me.
Rachel L Alba says
Now you know who your little Aidan takes after as far as thoughts and words go. lol You have more thoughts in your head then I ever had in my 60 something years and you know how to express them.
Now try to concentrate on the positive things and not so much of the never’s. It’s hard, but you and Aidan are so blessed with your beautiful family. I’m sure we all can’t wait either to see what sex you are carrying and will give birth to. Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be just as beautiful as the other three and just as smart.
I just read the letter your wrote to the baby again and it made me cry again! I hope you have it printed out and framed.
God bless you all!