Ban Bossy: Is it Okay for Girls to Be Bossy?
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| My daughter, who’s a leader in her own way. |
Is it okay for girls to be bossy?
My son was talking to me this morning about what’s going on in his classroom. I was listening while trying to make breakfast and pack lunches, so he only had half of my attention until he said:
“[Girl Student] is so bossy.”
I looked up in surprise, and asked him to repeat himself.
“[Girl Student] is so bossy. The teacher asks for helpers and [Girl Student] raises her hand to do it. But Mom, she never waits to be called on. She just gets up out of her seat and takes all of the jobs.”
I had to think a minute before I responded. The first thing that popped into my head was this new initiative called “Ban Bossy” which is aimed at empowering girls to want to become leaders and not to fear being considered disliked by peers for being ‘bossy’.
Have you heard of this yet? This campaign, started by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook and supported by former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, the head of the Girl Scouts Ana Maria Chavez, Beyonce, and many more celebrities, politicians, and parents, is trying to get the word out that girls can be leaders just like boys. They are bringing to light the downward trend of little girls and adolescent girls who try not to be leaders so that they will be liked by their peers instead of showing leadership qualities and achievements equal to that of boys their age.
Out of curiosity, I looked up the definition of ‘bossy’. I found:
- given to ordering people about
- domineering
- overly authoritative
- dictational
- overbearing
- abrasive
Ouch.
Yeah, I can see their point, for sure. On their website BanBossy.com, they give plenty of stats and help to parents, teachers, girls, managers, and troop leaders. From looking around on the site, I learned a few things:
- Girls focus more on fitting in and can be afraid to speak up for what they need or want.
- Girls are less likely to do ‘man chores’ at home, like mowing the lawn.
- Girls are more likely to ‘apologize’ before they speak.
- Girls are called on less in class.
- There are some cultural expectations that girls are supposed to be quiet and generous at their own expense.
- In groups, girls are more likely to do most of the work to pick up any slack from other students.
While reading all of this, I envisioned a much younger me in grade school and high school. I was quiet and shy (still am). I was afraid to speak up, and I was apologetic before I said certain things (still do that…). I was the one to pick up the slack, and I was the one to be generous (that’s still me…). In certain classes where I felt the most confident, I raised my hand but was passed over often (special thanks to my ignorant male math teacher in eleventh grade who made it a point to tell us that math is no subject for girls).
Yet, who mowed the lawn at home and at her grandparents and several of the neighbors’ lawns? This girl, right here. I hated (and still hate) ‘girl chores’ like laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. I felt strong when I mowed the lawn or later on when I learned to change my own oil in the car.
I was given the chance to find my strengths while learning to cope with my ‘weaknesses’ as a girl. I have my family to thank for that, plus many teachers who looked past my quiet and shy nature to bring out the quiet leader within and helped me earn achievements along the way.
Who could have thought that I would have become the Co-Captain of the varsity volleyball team? Who could have thought I would be a teacher myself, being a leader to hundreds of kids who looked up to me?
Certainly, I, the quiet and shy one, did not foresee those things happening in my life, but others did, and I cannot thank them enough.
What did I learn, though, from my quietness, from not being ‘bossy’? I learned to observe. I learned to see what others were doing and what was successful for them before I tried my own way of doing things. I learned to be a great listener, one with whom you could speak and not feel like you weren’t being heard. I learned to be myself, to lead myself out of many situations, and to ask for help when needed. I learned to problem solve and find solutions for those who need help themselves.
I write all this, and then think of my own daughter, who, unlike her mom, is not quiet. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind or to take control of a situation when playing with her older brother or other kids. She doesn’t back down, and she doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. All this, and she’s only three.
Is she ‘bossy’? Well, geez, I can see how someone could think that when compared to how I was, but no, I don’t see her that way. I see her as a determined little girl who knows what she wants and will try anything to get what she needs. She’s showing now that she can be a leader, and I’m darn proud of her.
Will she need some coaching along the way to cultivate the leader within? Sure. What leader didn’t need help becoming someone who others admire? She’s only three, but I hope she can learn from others around her who support her, and heck, maybe even learn a thing or two from me.
Back to my son and his comment about the girl who was ‘bossy’.
“Why do you think she’s bossy? What does it mean to be bossy?” I asked him.
“Well, she doesn’t take turns. She doesn’t listen. She won’t give us a chance to do a job.”
“Hmm. Maybe you don’t want to call her ‘bossy’, then. ‘Bossy’ can mean that someone isn’t being nice to you and wants to always be in charge to make you do things. Seems like she’s not saying anything or doing anything to you, but instead she just really likes being the teacher’s helper.”
“[Girl Student] isn’t mean. She’s still my friend, but I wish I could get a turn.”
You can’t help but chuckle at little kids and how they use language to express themselves! “So the problem really is that you just want to have a turn. Maybe, instead of calling your friend bossy, you could tell her how you feel about not getting a turn, and how your other classmates might feel about not getting a turn. Maybe she is just doing the jobs because no one else will speak up. She might just want to be a good helper. Try saying ‘I know you want to be a good helper, but we want to be good helpers too’.”
It boils down to language and how you use it. He used a word he thought would get him some sympathy when he really didn’t understand the meaning. The key is to give our kids positive language they can use and ways to express themselves without making others feel less than they are.
Of course, we are our kids’ first teachers. Let’s begin treating each other with respect and give everyone a chance before using harmful labels that could prevent others from growing and reaching their full potential. ‘Ban Bossy’ begins with us adults. If we’re good examples for our kids in terms of using language to treat others with respect, then they too will learn to use language to bolster and respect each other.
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Learn more: Read this great article from the Girl Scouts about five qualities good leaders have. I really like the table explaining the different kinds of leaders at the bottom.
What do you think of ‘Ban Bossy’?
maye says
very pretty sure his mom looks very handsome congratulations on your big little man!
Marissa McKenna says
If you’re referring to the picture, that’s actually my daughter, lol! Perhaps I should caption that picture… But thanks, anyway!
Clara King says
I think all children should use the correct language at the correct times. It starts at home. I grew up doing everything a boy could do and have raised my children that girls are not inferior.
Marissa McKenna says
It certainly does start at home. Great job being a good example to your kids!